


Where's My Love

by BeaSox



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies), Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, Movie 1: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, References to Depression, Suicide, newt scamander - Freeform, newtina
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2019-01-28 17:53:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12612116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeaSox/pseuds/BeaSox
Summary: Tina faces an inner turmoil after Newt's sudden suicide.





	Where's My Love

On December 20th of 1928, Tina's life was changed forever. The morning was like any other; she woke up later than she should, scrambling to brew coffee and get dressed in time for work. The wind was the same icy and uninviting cold that was familiar to her, but something was off. She felt like something inside her shriveled up and blew away in the frosty wind, leaving her with an ominous feeling of emptiness and despair. She shook the odd feeling off, unable to put her finger on why such a feeling would wash over her. She got home around seven, flopping onto the couch and instantly falling asleep. She awoke late the next day, and groaned. She was supposed to meet Newt to walk around a park later that day. She thought of his soft smile and his arms around her, making her feel warm and safe.

Newt lived in a nearby apartment complex, which didn't provide much room, but he spent most his time down in his case anyways. She knocked on his door, shuffling her feet, awaiting his arrival. A minute passed, and she sighed. He must be tending to his creatures, too caught up in his own world. She used the spare key he'd given her for emergencies, feeling very much like and intruding girlfriend.

Tina's heeled boots tracked sludge and melting snow from outside, as everything seemed like it happened in slow motion Before. He wasn't anywhere to be found. She was home when she got a call on the telephone. She couldn't guess who it was, no one ever called them. Maybe it was Newt saying he was out grocery shopping or something. It was from a payphone, a police officer saying a jumble of words that mixed together, becoming inaudible.

" _I regret in inform you, but your loved on, Mr. Newton Scamander passed away last night."_

He had been there or two days. His body was spotted floating in the water that connected to a secluded park that him and Tina would walk around for hours, chatting and enjoying each other's company.

She couldn't imagine him floating, waiting to be discovered with no avail.

He died cold and alone. If only she had visited him last night. If only she hadn't pushed him away constantly for work. If only she'd noticed that what was haunting him all of those sleepless nights hidden teary eyes.

No one knew why he did it. The _why_ was what everyone deemed of great importance: why would he feel so miserable that the only option was to take his own life?

Reporters and journalists anxious and nearly bursting with joy to get the dramatic tale first hand from the lover of the deceased author with his quirky fascination with beasts. Tina tried to ignore them and take Queenie's advice to not give into the media and read their news headlines, eager to publicize his passing.

Another question was tormenting Tina, why couldn't she save him?

She blamed herself, the fault always landing on her when she couldn't begin to think of an answer to the question. She knew Newt suffered silently at times, and tended to feel lonely even when he was with her. He'd opened up to her once, but never discussed it again. He confessed how much he hated himself for being anxious and overthinking every possible thing. She'd coaxed him, telling him she loved him and that it was who he was. He couldn't change who he was. But maybe that wasn't enough.

She wished she could go back in time; and kiss him on the forehead, him rambling on about his dark thoughts while she listened. She wanted to tell him that she loved him just one last time. To be in his arms, burying her face into his warm chest. She could nearly hear his voice in her ear,

"I missed you, Tina. I love you with all of my heart."

Queenie told her that she was being silly, hoping to thwart her accusing thoughts directing at herself, but she wouldn't listen. She couldn't. It was just too much. Is that how he felt before he did what he did? Was he feeling hopeless and lonely, praying for someone to save him? She would never know. The worse thing was that she knew things could have turned out differently. Newt had come by the Goldstein apartment the same day that water filled his lungs, ripping his life from him. He had seemed upset about something, but she was stressed over a case on the abduction of two twins, their organs possibly sold on the wizarding black market.

"T-Tina..can I please talk to you?" He mumbled at the ground once she'd opened the door.

"Newt, not now. I'm busy. I'm seeing you on Saturday, right? We can talk then, I need to work on this case right now."

"R-Right. I'm sorry.."

"Look, I'm sorry. I love you. I'm seeing you on Saturday though?"

"Yes. I'll see you S-Saturday. I love you."

His last words to her was a lie; he knew for a fact that he wouldn't see her on Saturday, or on any other day for that matter.

She wondered how many times he tried to reach out to her, only to be blown off and ignored. Was her neglect the last straw for him? She knew it was only one piece to the complicated puzzle in Newt's brain.

Newt was distant a lot. Queenie had reassured her when they were early in their relationship that it was because he wasn't used to human affection and company and she should be patient until he got used to it. He warmed up to her eventually, becoming less nervous and smiling more. Newt had been distant the days before That Night, but Tina decided that it would pass. It always did. In a week or two, he'd be the same man she knew and loved. Where was the man she believed that she knew more than she knew herself now, the man who made her feel invincible against the world? The same man who she could cuddle closer to after a nightmare, or tease him about his messy hair playfully? Was he the same man she knew at all, or just a fragment of the tainted, hurting soul that he truly was inside?

Where was he now? Was he feeling lonely? Was he scared?

"I'm here. Don't be scared, Newt. I'm here," she whispered to the merciless wind that bit at her revealed ankles in her long black dress. She wore a black veil that she had to squint through in order to make out his tombstone. Not that many attended his funeral, she knew Newt didn't necessarily have a large circle of friends, but no family showed up. Not even his parents. She didn't allow the public to attend, not wanting anyone who didn't know him personally to be present, most only knowing him as the author on the back of his book.

 

She dropped to her knees, the grass damp with morning dew, the sky hazy and dark with angry clouds. Queenie had left her to pay her respects alone, but she wished that she had stayed by her side. She felt alone. This cold body in the ground wasn't Newt. I couldn't be. He had to still be out there somewhere, the only sound and life in the air was that damn wind.

"I'm so sorry.." She slumped over, tears spilling down her cheeks onto his grave. "I should have let y-you in that night. I could have saved you. I'm so s-sorry."

She could hear his voice, whispering gently in her ear. "It's okay, Tina. It's not your fault. I love you."

 

The next week Tina had to face the chore she had been putting off: going through Newt's things. She wanted to keep all of it, his clothes, everything. She moved some things from his apartment into his case, hanging up each clothing item. She smelled his shirts. They smelled like him. She felt tears falling down her face, and she knew that she wouldn't be able to continue for the day.

She slid on a plain white dress shirt, it being too long and baggy on her. It served as a comfy nightdress as she curled up into his bed. Even the sheets smelled like him. He smelled like home and pine trees. She loved that smell. She slept better than she had in ages, imagining that she was next to him, whispering good night before drifting to sleep.

 

She made a plan to get some things into boxes to take back to her apartment, and she'd deal with the rest later on when she was ready. She slid each book she could get her hands on into the box, she'd read each one.

A piece of parchment fluttered to the wooden floor boards. She picked it up, expecting a sketch or note pertaining to the novel it fell out of. She saw her name etched onto the front of it in black ink.

_**Tina** _

_**I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's all gotten too much. I don't even know what is wrong anymore. At first I could easily pin it on my passing depressing moods, but it's not going away. I want everything to stop. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I'm tired of being anxious and constantly filled with a dark anxiety that gnaws at me everyday. I'm trying. I've been trying for so long, I've been trying to keep myself alive before I even met you. I've gotten so tired, and I can't go on any longer. The only thing keeping me alive right now is you, Tina. You're my everything, all I've ever hoped for. the only problem is me. I can't provide anything you deserve. I'm weak and timid and I can't even make eye contact with other people. You have such a bright future and an even brighter life ahead of you. I'm just weighing you down.** _ _**Don't blame yourself, it's my fault for causing you any pain.** _

_**I'm** _ _**sorry. I'm sorry to burden you with my existence. Perhaps we can meet again in a painless world, dancing** _ _**with the stars and the sky. Look after my creatures while I'm gone. I trust you more than I trust myself.** _

_**I will always** _ _**love you with all of my heart,** _

_**Newt** _

 

Her hands shook, as she gripped the parchment tightly. Tears fell onto the page, causing the ink to smudge. She wiped her face on his sleeve, drinking in the welcoming scent telling her it would be okay.

 

She found that she may never know what truly caused Newt to end his life at the lake that night, but she decided that she knew enough without diving into his dark thoughts. She concluded that the cause of Newt breaking was the cruel fault of the world and the pain that ran through his icy veins.

 

Tina slid the parchment into the pocket of the shirt, and went back to work. She was determined to have Newt Scamander's memory live on.

 


End file.
